>What in the world is that smell?

My classroom can only be classified as a potpourri of stench. Now wait! Don’t get jealous. Just follow these simple 7 steps and you too can create this smell in your own place of business.

Step 1: Use a hammer or tire iron, to smash a hole in your ceiling. It is important that the hole is big enough to let the water in when it rains, but small enough to keep the daylight out. Making this hole above a furnace that constantly pumps out warm air would be ideal. Within a few days you will start to notice a noxious mixture of mold, mildew, and musky stale air. If your nostrils and eyes begin to burn, you’re on the right track.

Step 2: Search your office for a minimum of 18 people who have not yet brushed their teeth, and have them incessantly gab at one another, adding a splash of morning breath to the room. Give an additional 10 people a bag of Hot Cheetos and let them go to town.

Step 3: Invite people from your local gym to work out in your office. It is important that they do not wear deodorant. If you can get a couple of them to pass gas while they lift their free weights, even better. When they leave, allow them to leave their gym shoes behind because let’s face it- some of them can’t quite figure out how to work the locks on their own gym lockers.

Step 4: Axe Body Spray. Be sure to use large doses of differing scents. Continue spraying until your office begins to fog a little.

Step 5: Get a large bottle of Germ X and don’t even bother to use the pump. Just take the lid off and start dumping it everywhere.

Step 6: Find a giant hose that can stretch from the cafeteria directly into your air vents. Now continuously pipe in the aroma of garlic cheese bread, tater tots, hot dogs, and chicken noodle soup.

After you have completed all 6 steps, be sure to close the door trapping all that goodness inside. Every once in a while (72 minutes or so) take a step out of your office, walk around for a bit, (but no longer than 3 minutes), then quickly shut yourself back in your office. This will provide a constant reminder of the smell you get to work in. Everyday.

You’re welcome.