It’s Valentine’s Day

I know! I know! It’s been way too long since I’ve last posted, so let me just jump right in.

Question? Who scheduled a middle school orchestra/band concert on Valentine’s Day? We did! And of course I was assigned supervision duty. Truth be told, the musical “entertainment” was just the icing on the cake. Let me break down a couple of highlights that made up the treat that was my  “Valentine’s Day in a middle school.”

I arrived to school for morning duty to find a cafeteria full of kids bouncing off the walls with their giant teddy bears- I’m talking 2ft. tall stuffed gems holding little hearts between their paws with phrases like “I wuv U” and “UR Beary Sweet” on them, and gallon sized Zip-Loc bags full of candy- most of which would be consumed before 1st Block even started. The theme for today instantly became “crowd control.”

I started each class with my standard “holiday that involves the consumption of candy” speech:

Me: “I don’t want students peddling candy in my class. I don’t want to see wrappers on the floor. When you throw your wrappers and sucker sticks away, they need to go in the trash can- not near it, not stuck to the side of it, but IN the trash can because I do not want ants.”

Students: All look at me like I’m a moron.

3rd Block, I received this email from our Success worker:

The sales are almost over, following 8th grade lunch, you will get a bag of grams delivered to your room. Please pass out the candy grams to the students during the last few minutes of class. Hopefully this will not be too distracting. If you have any students that are not present today, please put those in my box and I’ll get them delivered tomorrow…

Also check your mailboxes for your own candy grams, I know several of you have gotten them too. Thanks so much for the help on this project.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This was my response:

I like how you are worried about candy grams being distracting. I had a student show up to 3rd Block with a giant teddy bear and a target bag full of candy. Did I also mention that she was wearing a pair of giant red wings?

 Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!

By the time 4th Block filed out for lunch, I had two ant colonies snacking away on candy hearts and, what I assumed to be a blob of peanut butter, that had not quite made it into the trash can. When the kids returned from lunch, I made them stop one at  time and examine the ant hills on their way back to their desks while I made comments like, “I’m not so crazy now, am I!” and “This is exactly what I was talking about. The trash cans are right here people.”

My two stragglers, who always take their sweet time coming back from lunch, were assigned “ant clean up.” They put down a bunch of Kleenex and stomped the life out of those ants before laying them to rest in the trash can. Then they wiped the floor up with Clorox wipes to get rid of any left behind sugar residue.

Aside from the assortment of candy hearts, that students tried to give me out their grubby hands, I had one student who had a special treat for me. He marched up to my desk and said, “I brought this for you because you’re my favorite teacher.” The then reached into the front pocket of his skinny jeans and pulled out a giant smashed Russell Stover’s strawberry-marshmallow filled chocolate heart. As soon as class was over, that tasty treat, joined the ants in the trash can.

Skip ahead to 6:00pm.  Students began to arrive for the musical delight that was the orchestra/band concert which was scheduled to start at 6:30. It was my job to stand guard at the door of the band room to 1.)keep kids from escaping, and 2.) keep kids from bludgeoning each other with their band instruments, while waiting to take the stage 20ft away in the auditorium. First up was the orchestra, followed by the 6th grade band, followed by the 7th/8th grade band.

The orchestra took forever! During that time, the kids stood around talking, and, when they thought I wasn’t looking, occasionally smacked each other or practiced dive rolling around on the floor. Every so often, I opened the door to the hallway to supervise trips to the drinking fountain. It was when I reentered the room after one of those supervised that I first noticed the smell. I stepped into the band room and my eyes instantly began to water. I noticed the kids, who had been milling around the door, were now all huddled in the corner behind the piano. Several of them had their shirts covering their noses and mouths, and a few were trying to stifle giggles, while others, like myself, were trying not to barf. I’m not going to lie. It was foul. As I stood by the door one student, who happened to also be in my 4th Block, decided to strike up a conversation with me. My first thought was, “How are your eyes NOT watering?” My second thought was, “Oh my god. You totally farted and don’t think anyone can smell it.” My solution,  “Let’s walk and talk.” That way I could still be the kind teacher who “cared about what he had to say” while still getting some fresh air into my lungs. And wouldn’t you know it? During our traveling conversation, he farted at least 3 more times. I thought the night would never end.

The orchestra kids finally returned from the stage, and the 6th grade band quickly blew through their numbers. At last I ushered the 7th and 8th graders in for the final portion of the show. The kids all got situated on the stage and I stood in the back to watch the show. Another teacher, who had been in the auditorium all night, informed me that the concert would have been over a long time ago, but the band director couldn’t find his music and spent FOREVER running around the stage like a weirdo looking for it.

At this point, he addressed the audience to introduce the 7th/8th grade band. He held his hands up and said, “Attention! Can I have your attention? I’ll just do what I do with the kids. (Holding up his hand and counting down on his fingers) 5, 4, 3, 2,

Random Parent: (yells out) “We’re not children!”


Happy (belated) Valentine’s Day folks.


Substitute = Epic Fail

Quote of the Day:  While playing a game of Scattergories ( The topic: “type of fish,” the letter: “T.”)  I’m walking around the room when I over hear…

Student: “Oh, oh, twat!  Oh wait.  I was thinking things that smell like fish.”


So…yesterday  I took a sick day, a respite if you will. It was either that, or end up doing time for laying hands on children. As individuals, I love all my 8th graders this year. Working with them one-on-one they can be funny, have great stories, and are generally pleasant. As a group however?  Look out. One of my coworkers once said it best, “Anyone can be great to work with one-on-one. Even a serial killer.” 

After looking over the notes my substitute left, I drew up a nice long detention list on the board. I was more that content with the fact that several the kids on the list, decided to participate in the student organized “8th Grade Skip Today.”

 These are the notes my sub left for me:

Block 1:  Went well.  They all finished their work packets and should have had plenty of time to do the blog entry.

Block 2: They were very disrespectful and rude. Particularly O, M, and C.  I have never taught such mean, nasty girls.  They should be seriously reprimanded.  I ended up sending O and M to the office.  (Students told me O flipped out after she “saw my sub wipe a booger on my desk. Hmmm… still not sure how I would have handled that.) N and G were particularly off task. (After some interrogation, my students turned on one another and informed me that the subject of my sub’s sexuality was the topic of student discussion/disrespectful behavior. I was pissed.)

Block 3: This class was very well-behaved and worked well for the most part.  Everyone finished the worksheet and most did the blog as well.

Block 4:  Lots of angry girls in this class huh?  Many refused to read.  I kicked D out for saying “f–k you” three times, loudly.  (The sub had asked the student to read a paragraph out loud. He didn’t want to.) They all had plenty of time to work, so if they didn’t get done it is because they refused to work. K, T, and J were particularly unproductive and disrespectful.  Though I’m sure that is nothing new.  K and T both blatantly cheated after doing nothing the whole period.

>What in the world is that smell?

My classroom can only be classified as a potpourri of stench. Now wait! Don’t get jealous. Just follow these simple 7 steps and you too can create this smell in your own place of business.

Step 1: Use a hammer or tire iron, to smash a hole in your ceiling. It is important that the hole is big enough to let the water in when it rains, but small enough to keep the daylight out. Making this hole above a furnace that constantly pumps out warm air would be ideal. Within a few days you will start to notice a noxious mixture of mold, mildew, and musky stale air. If your nostrils and eyes begin to burn, you’re on the right track.

Step 2: Search your office for a minimum of 18 people who have not yet brushed their teeth, and have them incessantly gab at one another, adding a splash of morning breath to the room. Give an additional 10 people a bag of Hot Cheetos and let them go to town.

Step 3: Invite people from your local gym to work out in your office. It is important that they do not wear deodorant. If you can get a couple of them to pass gas while they lift their free weights, even better. When they leave, allow them to leave their gym shoes behind because let’s face it- some of them can’t quite figure out how to work the locks on their own gym lockers.

Step 4: Axe Body Spray. Be sure to use large doses of differing scents. Continue spraying until your office begins to fog a little.

Step 5: Get a large bottle of Germ X and don’t even bother to use the pump. Just take the lid off and start dumping it everywhere.

Step 6: Find a giant hose that can stretch from the cafeteria directly into your air vents. Now continuously pipe in the aroma of garlic cheese bread, tater tots, hot dogs, and chicken noodle soup.

After you have completed all 6 steps, be sure to close the door trapping all that goodness inside. Every once in a while (72 minutes or so) take a step out of your office, walk around for a bit, (but no longer than 3 minutes), then quickly shut yourself back in your office. This will provide a constant reminder of the smell you get to work in. Everyday.

You’re welcome.