Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

I will admit, I was a little nervous when I arrived at school for early morning duty and was greeted by a cafeteria full of kids double fisting pixie sticks down their throats. For the most part, however, it turned out to be a pretty mild day. This whole week, for that matter, has gone by without incident. Sort of.

I did have a strange interaction yesterday. A student came into my room and I noticed she had two giant opened bags of Cheetos and Takis. I told her to go put them in her locker, and after spending way too much time explaining why was her best and only option for her snacks, aside from storing them in my trash can, she finally complied. At this point another student, who had been standing next to my desk watching this interaction, piped up.

Student: “Miss Lewis, is she going to her locker?”

Me: “Yep. She’s going to put her snacks away.”

Student: “I have something in my locker. I have a lighter in my locker. Is that okay?”

Me: “No that is not okay. Go take your seat.”

Student: “Because I do. I do have a lighter in my locker. A big one too.”

Me: “Still not okay. Go take your seat.”

He took his seat, got out his notebook and started his warm up.

I quickly typed a “P—– jut told me he has a lighter in his locker. He’s in my classroom right now. I’ll let you investigate” email to my principal. She showed up a couple of minute later to gather the student. He did not return.

It turns out he did have a lighter. A giant propane gas grill lighter. Awesome.

Aside from that incident, this week has been fairly mild. The highlight of my week was today’s warm up. It had a Valentine’s Day theme.



Complete Miss Lewis’s Top 10 list of cheesy, PG rated, pick up lines by coming up                                                                                         with your own for numbers 3, 2, and 1.

10. Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call FINE PRINT!                                                                                                            

9. If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.  

8. I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?  

7. If you were a burger at McDonald’s, you’d be McGorgeous.

6. I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.    

5. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.      

4. Hey… Didn’t I see your name in the dictionary under “Shazaam!”?


 Here are a few of the ones I collect from my students:

Your face, I like that.

Come live in my heart. I won’t even charge you rent.

The best smell in the world is your smell.

If you were a potato, you’d be a good potato.

I hear you’re good at Algebra. Can you replace my x without asking y?

I’ve got the beans, if you to the rice. Dinner with you would be nice.

Can I get your picture? I need to prove to all of my friends that angels do exist.

I need to ask Siri for directions because I just lost in your eyes.

Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?

Now I know why the sky was so grey today… all the blue is in your eyes.

I’d kiss a frog for you. Even if there was no promise of Prince Charming popping out of it.

You just made me legally blind with your beauty.

Is your father a baker? Because you have nice buns.

Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material. (This was one of my favorites.)

On a scale of 1-10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need.

If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry. I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

I want to be in your footsteps all the way up the flight of stairs.

Are you a tamale? Because you’re hot.

I’m not from around here. Can I have directions… to your heart?

Don’t walk into a building; The sprinklers will go off.

Baby, are you a broom, because you just swept me of my feet.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I need to walk by again.

Did you fart? Because you just blew me away.

I must be in heaven because you’re an angel.

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.

Somebody better call God cuz he’s missing an angel.

The following were ones that didn’t meet the “share your answers with the class” cut. 

You turn my software into hardware.

Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice.

Do you eat tacos? Well, my Taco Bell is open.

If you were homework, I’d do you on the table.


It’s Valentine’s Day

I know! I know! It’s been way too long since I’ve last posted, so let me just jump right in.

Question? Who scheduled a middle school orchestra/band concert on Valentine’s Day? We did! And of course I was assigned supervision duty. Truth be told, the musical “entertainment” was just the icing on the cake. Let me break down a couple of highlights that made up the treat that was my  “Valentine’s Day in a middle school.”

I arrived to school for morning duty to find a cafeteria full of kids bouncing off the walls with their giant teddy bears- I’m talking 2ft. tall stuffed gems holding little hearts between their paws with phrases like “I wuv U” and “UR Beary Sweet” on them, and gallon sized Zip-Loc bags full of candy- most of which would be consumed before 1st Block even started. The theme for today instantly became “crowd control.”

I started each class with my standard “holiday that involves the consumption of candy” speech:

Me: “I don’t want students peddling candy in my class. I don’t want to see wrappers on the floor. When you throw your wrappers and sucker sticks away, they need to go in the trash can- not near it, not stuck to the side of it, but IN the trash can because I do not want ants.”

Students: All look at me like I’m a moron.

3rd Block, I received this email from our Success worker:

The sales are almost over, following 8th grade lunch, you will get a bag of grams delivered to your room. Please pass out the candy grams to the students during the last few minutes of class. Hopefully this will not be too distracting. If you have any students that are not present today, please put those in my box and I’ll get them delivered tomorrow…

Also check your mailboxes for your own candy grams, I know several of you have gotten them too. Thanks so much for the help on this project.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This was my response:

I like how you are worried about candy grams being distracting. I had a student show up to 3rd Block with a giant teddy bear and a target bag full of candy. Did I also mention that she was wearing a pair of giant red wings?

 Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!

By the time 4th Block filed out for lunch, I had two ant colonies snacking away on candy hearts and, what I assumed to be a blob of peanut butter, that had not quite made it into the trash can. When the kids returned from lunch, I made them stop one at  time and examine the ant hills on their way back to their desks while I made comments like, “I’m not so crazy now, am I!” and “This is exactly what I was talking about. The trash cans are right here people.”

My two stragglers, who always take their sweet time coming back from lunch, were assigned “ant clean up.” They put down a bunch of Kleenex and stomped the life out of those ants before laying them to rest in the trash can. Then they wiped the floor up with Clorox wipes to get rid of any left behind sugar residue.

Aside from the assortment of candy hearts, that students tried to give me out their grubby hands, I had one student who had a special treat for me. He marched up to my desk and said, “I brought this for you because you’re my favorite teacher.” The then reached into the front pocket of his skinny jeans and pulled out a giant smashed Russell Stover’s strawberry-marshmallow filled chocolate heart. As soon as class was over, that tasty treat, joined the ants in the trash can.

Skip ahead to 6:00pm.  Students began to arrive for the musical delight that was the orchestra/band concert which was scheduled to start at 6:30. It was my job to stand guard at the door of the band room to 1.)keep kids from escaping, and 2.) keep kids from bludgeoning each other with their band instruments, while waiting to take the stage 20ft away in the auditorium. First up was the orchestra, followed by the 6th grade band, followed by the 7th/8th grade band.

The orchestra took forever! During that time, the kids stood around talking, and, when they thought I wasn’t looking, occasionally smacked each other or practiced dive rolling around on the floor. Every so often, I opened the door to the hallway to supervise trips to the drinking fountain. It was when I reentered the room after one of those supervised that I first noticed the smell. I stepped into the band room and my eyes instantly began to water. I noticed the kids, who had been milling around the door, were now all huddled in the corner behind the piano. Several of them had their shirts covering their noses and mouths, and a few were trying to stifle giggles, while others, like myself, were trying not to barf. I’m not going to lie. It was foul. As I stood by the door one student, who happened to also be in my 4th Block, decided to strike up a conversation with me. My first thought was, “How are your eyes NOT watering?” My second thought was, “Oh my god. You totally farted and don’t think anyone can smell it.” My solution,  “Let’s walk and talk.” That way I could still be the kind teacher who “cared about what he had to say” while still getting some fresh air into my lungs. And wouldn’t you know it? During our traveling conversation, he farted at least 3 more times. I thought the night would never end.

The orchestra kids finally returned from the stage, and the 6th grade band quickly blew through their numbers. At last I ushered the 7th and 8th graders in for the final portion of the show. The kids all got situated on the stage and I stood in the back to watch the show. Another teacher, who had been in the auditorium all night, informed me that the concert would have been over a long time ago, but the band director couldn’t find his music and spent FOREVER running around the stage like a weirdo looking for it.

At this point, he addressed the audience to introduce the 7th/8th grade band. He held his hands up and said, “Attention! Can I have your attention? I’ll just do what I do with the kids. (Holding up his hand and counting down on his fingers) 5, 4, 3, 2,

Random Parent: (yells out) “We’re not children!”


Happy (belated) Valentine’s Day folks.

>Happy Valentime’s Day

Student (hoping that I would ignore the fact that she was still in the hallway after the bell had rung): “Happy Valentime’s Day, Miss Lewis?

Me: What was that?

Student: What was what?

Me: It’s Valentine’s Day.

Student: I know. That’s what I just said.


Today in class, in honor of Valentine’s Day, we wrote love poems.

Me: “Today you are all going to get to channel your inner William Shakespeare to write the ultimate love poem for Valentine’s Day. Many of you have probably heard of Shakespeare- He wrote plays like Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Hamlet, and many well-known poems. If fact some of you might have seen Gnomeo and Juliet over the weekend.”

Student 1: “Shakespeare didn’t write about love. In Romeo and Juliet, didn’t they all die in the end? Yah. They died. They jumped off that wall.”

Me: “Well they did die, but I’m pretty sure there was poison and daggers involved.”

Student 1: “No. They jumped off that brick wall.”

Student 2: “That was Humpty Dumpty.”

Student 1: “Oh. Right… I never could keep all of my children’s stories straight.”

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